You have just received word that your divorce is final. All the chaos of paper signing, mediation, and child custody is finally over.

Give yourself a pat on the back; you’ve made it this far! Whether the divorce was ugly or sweet, or a bit of both, you breathe a sigh of relief.

The room is quiet, you hear crickets chirping, and for the first time, you recognize that you are officially on your own.

We humans like to think linearly. We love progress. Therefore, it’s no surprise that the words, “What next?” or, “Now what?” come to mind.

We are driven by progress.

So, what does “progress” look like for you?

Unfortunately, a lot of us think that progress means replacing what was lost.

We want to smother our solitude and fix the mistake of a “failed marriage” by quickly covering up the “failure” with a success. And by success I mean, finding someone we will be with long-term.

I believe some refer to this action as a “relationship rebound.”    

Now, I feel the need to clarify that dating, in general, is different than a steady relationship with one person.

In my opinion, date all you want. Date, date, and date some more!

Why!?

Because you discover something new about yourself with each interaction you experience with someone you’re interested in.

While you’re getting to know someone over dinner, you’re subconsciously taking notes on what attracts you and what doesn’t. More on that later on.

For now, let it be clear that casual dating is actually a marvelous way help cure any negatives that are undoubtedly clinging to you from your previous marriage.

Get out there and get to know what makes other people tick!

Let’s dive in and discuss why you shouldn’t jump into a relationship. *Yet.*

You Aren’t Ready

No matter how untouchable you think your emotions, ego, or psyche might be, you’ve been through a lot.

• You still think about your ex.

Maybe you’re still in love with them, or maybe they make you unbelievably mad.

Even if you think there are no emotional reactions associated with the image of your ex, you still remember that certain way they stalked the fridge with groceries or where they placed their shoes when they came home.

Whatever the case, the end-of-relationship is still fresh, and whether you like it or not, you’re still wrapped up in the drama of things, by nature.

Wait to get into a relationship when you have more on your mind to talk about besides the latest stupid thing your previous spouse said or did.

You need to give yourself time to let your mind slowly remove your ex from your thoughts before welcoming another person into your life.

Sure, you will remember your ex forever, but I promise that they won’t be so fresh on your memory as they are now.

•  You don’t have much to offer a new partner right now

As hard of a pill as it is to swallow, you’re still focused on cleaning up the rubble of your past.

Your mind can only occupy so many things at once, and throwing a relationship into the mix will seem cumbersome.  

But let’s say you do get into a relationship right away.

Let’s say you ignore the part about not being ready.

What does your relationship look like? More often than not, you’re probably using your significant other as a therapist.

Don’t be ashamed; It’s only natural to want to want to talk through all of the fresh details of your divorce with another individual.

A healthy relationship involves mutual sharing of the good, bad, and ugly in each others’ life, but I’m talking about the kind of ugly and the quantity of bad here.

You need stabilizing.

You need time to strengthen weak muscles.

Find stability in your mom. Your sister. Your best friend. People who you won’t be tempted to look to for permanent deliverance.

When you’re feeling lonely, call up your girlfriends and go have a good time!

The relationship stuff will come soon enough.

There will come a time when you’re able to stand on your own two feet. But there are no short-cuts to that moment of arrival.

The only way to get there is to give yourself time. And lots of it.

I’m certainly not one to put a number on timing, but give yourself months. Many months. Double-digit months, before you start seeing someone exclusive.

If you wait, you’ll be in a much happier, healthier state of mind for both you and your new partner.

You’re not sure what you want

• An exclusive relationship is limiting.

It’s been a while since you’ve dated! You grew accustomed to your ex’s way of doing things and accepted their actions, in one way or another.

Most likely, you didn’t adore everything about them and you discovered things as time went on that you may or may not have been thrilled about.

Now is the time to sit down and start an on-going list of what matters to you.

It’s not the time to enter a relationship with the next person who shows interest in you.

By committing to someone, “going off the market,” and putting all your eggs in one basket, your views and options are limited.

You might sadly “settle” for a lover who isn’t that good for you in the long run.

Someone will eventually come along who meets or exceeds your expectations, in a very realistic way. Don’t settle or bend for anyone who doesn’t match your list of priorities.

•  You continue to evolve

A note about your list: this list shouldn’t reveal everything you did or didn’t like about your ex, rather let it become a list of things you’ve learned about yourself.

You are a different person.

You’ve grown and changed.

Perhaps there are characteristics that you once deemed as important back in your college-dating-days, whereas now, you’ve changed your mind and perspective on certain matters.

Talk to yourself and casually write down traits you can’t live without in a partner, and traits you need to avoid. Then, date! Go out as often as you can. Find out what’s out there.

You’re still Healing

• Change impacts the best of us

Nobody wants to hear this,  because none of us are weak, heaven forbid!

You’re right, to an extent. You aren’t weak, but you’ve been through a lot.

You’re worn out. Depleted.

Life as you knew it is non-existent and not only are you trying your best to detach yourself from the old life, you’re now trying to create a new life, simultaneously.

That’s a huge deal! Don’t lie to yourself and say you’re, “Fine.”

The greatest of all changes are ones that uproot, transfer, and send you for a spin, with almost no vision of what the future holds.

What divorce doesn’t uproot and remove?

Please don’t invite someone to join you in this tailspin, thinking a new relationship will give you the anchor and answers you seek for.

• Set some personal goals

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to establish some personal goals, however small they may be, and then work toward them.

Maybe you’ve always wanted to visit Chicago. Or, perhaps you feel the desire to stick to a more strict budget.

If one of your goals is to remarry by X year, you might need to reevaluate your reasons for why marriage is such an important goal to you right now.

Do you feel like a significant other would give you security? Do you feel that if only you had someone who loved you, then perhaps your future would be less daunting or scary?

Don’t be afraid to go deep and admit some truth to yourself. Recognize your insecurities and then find small ways to combat them without counting on someone else to fix you.

You’re not Completely you, yet.

• Your new life will take some getting used to.

What a hailstorm you’ve been through.

I don’t care how “easy” your divorce was, it was still a divorce.

A portion of your identity has been wrapped up in and shared with another person who is now . . . gone.

Even if you felt isolated and independent throughout your marriage, you were still attached to your spouse in one way or another.

Therefore, a chunk of you is “gone” too. There’s new water to tread when your name isn’t side-by-side your ex’s.

For many, an extensive process of trial and error in finding your new self takes time.

However, even if you don’t feel like your identity has changed much by nixing a marriage, details about your previous spouse still linger.

Just think of the inside jokes, the Saturday night routine, the money budget, and the preference of ice inside the glass or not.

In other words, your ex rubbed off on you and your lifestyle.

With your spouse gone, you now decide how you handle and carry yourself. Independently.

I’m not saying to delete, burn, and bury any trace of your ex that has potentially stuck with you.

Your previous marriage was valid. You were building a life with someone else.

Your union made you who you are today. It’s not wise or useful to purge everything from the past.

What I am suggesting is to take time to be alone and truly discover what sticks, and what slides.

Become reacquainted with yourself.

You want true Happiness, not a

Band-aid

• You are in charge of your own happiness

You won’t find happiness in a person.

What an unfair expectation in another soul; to put all the pressure on them for fixing you and giving you the life you’ve always wanted!

You are the one in control of your own happiness.

I know it stinks sometimes to be alone and it seems like life would be a breeze if only you had the right one by your side.

However, at the end of the day, when your new lover has ticked you off for one reason or another, are you going to say that they are the one who has made you unhappy, and if only they would be perfect all time, you’d be happy all the time?

The truth is: if you can’t be happy alone, you’ll never be happy with someone else.

I know we hear it all the time, but it is the truth.

A relationship only works when you can bask in the excess and surplus that another dynamic in your life (i.e. a lover) brings to you.

A relationship should serve as a bonus in your life, not the medicine to cure your life.

• Fill up your own life with joy.

An easier way to think of it is to fall in love with yourself.

Fall in love with your hobbies, your passions, the people in your life, and get excited about doing things that make you feel like your soul is on fire.

Make your own life happen!

If you feel like you don’t have anything you can get fired up about, a great time to try some new activities or hobbies is now.

Get outside your comfort zone.

Try things that you’ve always labeled as “not you.”

Not a sports fan? Go to a basketball game anyway. Never been big on seafood? Eat that one piece of sushi.

Go for something you think it too new or too weird. Do something that scares you every day.

Conclusion

• Your future lies in your hands

The phase you’re in right now is unique. As hard as it is to think of “embracing” this era, consider this: The next year is going to go by, like it or not, rain or shine.

The next five years will too, whether you’re rich, poor, sad, happy, well, or sick.

Do you want to wake up at the end of those years and realize you’ve stayed stagnant for all that time?

Or would you rather wake to find that you are an accomplished human being: educated, fit, healthy, well-read, generous to others, skilled in a trade, trained in an art, whatever it might be?

The answer is probably obvious. Use this rare time in your life to build yourself while you don’t have a relationship to maintain.

You’ll find that you’re less lonely, less hungry for love, and in a more peaceful state of mind when you use your time wisely.

With Love,

Kellice

What do you think? What are you doing to progress in life after your divorce/break up? I’d love to hear in the comments below!